The Weirdest Fanfic I Have Ever Read, Part 2

Semper Fortis

I DIDN'T FORGET. But first, disclaimers.

Also same as last time:

In which the author preaches to the choir

We open on the four/five Danger Rangers stuck at the ranch holding an emergency meeting. Well, as much as an emergency that OMG THE ROBOT GOT SMARTER really is. Sully and Kitty butt in via comms to announce the sudden transformation into Law & Order SVU for Furries.

By the way, Fallbot has security clearance. The biggest klutz in Sioux territory can raid your personnel data with a mere thought.

The ranch hands are summoned to San Diego and CARPOOL LIKE THEY COULD HAVE DONE FUCK ME-

Ahem. They take both the literal goddamned hovercraft and a van, which I'm imagining looks like the Mystery Machine except it's purple.

But before that the author goes out of their way to lecture us about child trafficking being bad. We know it's bad. Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontières, UNICEF, and a shitload of other organizations have this covered, dude.

0/10 not season 2 Fallbot

After the author doxxes the Coast guard base, one of the perps somehow busts out of his ziptie cuffs and goes ham with a magic hammerspace gun. Fallbot power walks off every bullet before presumably getting on all fours and rushing the perp à la M3gan.¹

Sully's brother finally meets the rest of the gang! He barely manages to ask why Fallbot is named how he is before the plot slaps him and drags Avraham into the scene. Fallbot doxxes Avraham and nearly ends up as a Krav Maga practice dummy before the plot dumps an officer shot offscreen into our laps. He'll be fine, I guess. Sully decides to check on Ricky, the raccoon kid, and we spend entirely too much time going back over earlier plot points. Wait, who's Jennifer Sealford?

Mr. Enter would love this Fanfic

Holy shit, the author can imply things. I knew they could do it!

Ricky's dad is fucking dead. Our third military nepo-baby is revealed and his pa was in the Navy, just like Sully's! Ricky's mom is dead too, but the plot cares less about her.

But shut up, Sully's mom died in 9/11.² But shut up again, little Ricky has full-blown Terminal Seven. It's actually leukemia but Ricky ain't showing any symptoms and it's Sully who tells us this and not a doctor, so he could have ringworm for all we know.

After more redundancy, Sully tells the other Danger Rangers and everyone cries.

I have no idea how to transition from that

More dumb surnames! Our perps are Jack Lionson and Donny Foxi, while our new Coast Guard investigator gal is Abigal Huskton.

SAVO scans Jack and Donny's phone logs and treats the reader to another name, Harvey Jagulon. Mr. Jackula Jagulon is allegedly fostering a bunch of children at his home. He totally isn't a willing part of the ring. Abigail introduces us to her partner, Nick fucking GOLDIOSO. Nick proceeds to violate canon and greets Burble as if they totally grew up in the same neighborhood. Burble grew up in an orphanage that was out in the middle of the woods.

Where the fuck is the FBI

Abigail and Nick would like you to know that attorneys are bad and they should have the power to arrest anyone based on vibes. The Danger Rangers fall all over themselves to volunteer to be the distraction for the investigation and upcoming raid.

Burble pulls the short straw, but we stop to have Sully and Papa visit Ricky because Make-A-Wish processed that request in, like, two hours.

Squeeky fulfills the meme and joins Burble in the investigation. He'll hook up a magic USB stick with some malware and get files to SAVO that way. They do the thing and while Squeeky is raiding the computer room, SAVO jumpscares him with some pictures of things one should never do with a child.

The author deserves the death penalty for making me read about Squeeky discovering CSAM and then still putting his dialogue in that ridiculous typed-out accent.

Squeeky instead of being horrified beyond all relief, like a safety inspector/educator would be if they discovered material like that, just ends up with a bad case of Tummy Hurt. Burble gives the signal for the raid to go ahead and Dragula Jagulon gets arrested.

Die, die, my darling

I'm no oncologist but I'm certain that it would take longer than, like, two days for a kid to go from totally fine to nearly dead from ostensibly stage 4 leukemia. Like, did Ricky even have any bruising on him? Regardless, the plot says Ricky can't stay longer than an episode because otherwise he's baggage, and brings out the scythe.

Sully gets a call from the hospital saying that Ricky is very definitely dying for reals y'all. Sully stammers his way through his dialogue and then a lullaby. It's implied that Ricky declined so fast because he's too good for this shitty, shitty planet and wanted to see his family again.

The hospital's staff mark themselves for a malpractice suit after fucking up and shocking a flatline. Ricky's a goner. Everybody cries again.

(Not) The National Association of Marlon Brando Look-Alikes

The dumbest interrogation of all time happens. Harvey immediately incriminates himself by revealing that he's a member of the American Pedosexual Constabulary. Wait.

constable

a high officer of a royal court or noble household especially in the Middle Ages

the warden or governor of a royal castle or a fortified town

a public officer usually of a town or township responsible for keeping the peace and for minor judicial duties

chiefly British - police officer, especially one ranking below sergeant ³

An organization of cops for pedos? What?

Sully, who really shouldn't be in the room, tries to throw hands. Harvey's lawyer threatens to sue everyone, but the Danger Rangers apparently are also part of the UN and so a lawsuit would be impossible(?????)

Two more creeps are destined to show up after the fic make a teeny-tiny timeskip leaving us at Next Sunday A.D. Sully blathers in front of his mom's grave, (yes, she's Jennifer), and we take psychic damage when reminded the author chose to have her die on 9/11. The secret identities thing comes up again and we get exposed to Navy jargon.

Where the fuck is Interpol

The words "baby bump" take a few days off my life every time I see them now. The fic suddenly gets a bit racist and we go to a yacht, where some guy is thankfully actually trying to back out of marrying a literal toddler. The head bitch in charge raves about Allah while brandishing a gun at him.

The Danger Ranger (and the less important people, such as the actual cops) run in with Fallbot in the lead. Gunshots ring out everywhere. By the way, prwtfalcon6, watching the news will not desensitize you against the shock of seeing corpses. There will be fainting once the adrenaline wears off. The traffickers apparently think little kids won't blow themselves up and have stored a bunch of bombs and grenades on the yacht. Head Bitch grabs them to fight off the cops.

Oh no! Fallbot is getting hurt by the explosions! He really shouldn't be, considering that he's made of fucking magic sky metal, but apparently Fallbot nerfed his defense by becoming SMRT. After all the bombs clear, Fallbot is on his back with a massive hole in his chest and we get another death scene full of stammering.

Wait, they can repair Fallbot so why --

Phoenix Wright is more accurate than this

Where the fuck is the jury. Where is it. WHERE.

Fuck you, San Diego!

The end is a flashback scene. Everyone goes to jail in the epilogue. The only saving grace is no theme song.

Thanks for reading.